Lost in the Desolation of Life

4/11/2025
So, I guess this is my first real post here. I dont know how often ill actually be updating this. I dunno. Yanno. My life is pretty boring, relatively useless at best, but I dont want to start this out on a miserable note. Actually, I have a bit of a manifesto to write here.. something that has always been a consistent pillar of my philosophy. Despite the awful DSBM sitting in webamp as of writing this.

Hope is the foundation of all life, right after love. We are all born bloody, cruel, forced into a world that will probably despise you, something you have no choice in. But is it not inherently an act of love to give birth? Your mother, now, I am not sure of your relationship with her. But there was once a time where she fantatised about this, that she bought baby clothes, that there was a sort of childlike joy in producing a child of her own. That she held through the pain of labour, one of the most excruiating thing a human being can endure, for you, for me, for everyone. You and I are born in violence and love. We are born out of determination.

The very core of our lives are built from the dust of dying stars, bunched together to put you on this earth.

Everything is made out of hope. The hope of a sprouting blossom. The hope of the grass under your feet to brace the impact of a fall. There is always someone out there, also hoping for you, aside from the universe itself. I, hope for you. That hope could be anything, it could be childishly motivated, downright stupid, but its the only thing that has really kept mankind alive. I am hopelessly ambitious. Its only ever made me more miserable.

Believe in the love of others, and in the love of yourself. Love everything in the face of worldwide hatred. Its the only thing keeping our despairing sacks of flesh alive. Despite my depression I am the corniest optimist ever.

Now, I suppose I should talk a bit about whats going on in my life. Its boring, as usual, but I find worth in the small things. Its not getting worse everyday like it used to. It just feels desolate. Its maybe the most peaceful ive been in years. But I cant seem to enjoy it, I know itll just get bad again in a matter of time. Why waste my energy?
Im moving to another school next year. I dont know, Im happy to be out of my isolation for once- the one I go to right now is rather small, and I dont have any friends. Nor do I plan to make any next year, actually, but maybe itll be nice to be around people my age who arent extremely religious and closed off. I just want to feel like a normal person of my age. I feel perpetually locked out of my own life at times. I want friends. I enjoy talking to people, as long as they arent hostile. My pathetic naviety lets me not even notice if someones being backhanded most the time. Refer to that hope rant..
But the idea of actually talking to people, my peers, sharing interests, knowing my history of fucking things up every time. It doesnt make me feel excited. as I said somewhere else, I dont even think im fit for human interaction. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is awful.

The thought of watching someone slowly identify me as an 'other' after I stumble over my own words for the millionth time is nothing I want ever again.

I cant control it, so I might aswell work with what God gave me. Kind of a fuck you.

Id rather forgive and forget than try and force myself to do something I know I cant. I feel guilty for letting this feel so good.